“I see you are Interested!”

Limit setting and discipline are two topics that are often brought up by parents during our parenting class discussions.

Today in class we had a great opportunity to see how we can be respectful and kind and help children understand what our limits are as well as embrace child’s curiosity and interest.

Two children Finny and Jimmy (18 months old), came to me when they saw me with a new object - a clipboard with paper.  To them it was a new item that was worth exploring.

What observant children we have, they spotted something new right away.  In addition, I think, they also wanted to connect with me, so they came over. First came Finny and for the longest time, she touched the papers, the clipboard, and talked her “rolling tongue” way with me. I stated what I observed and I did not let go, "Yes, that is my paper, and a clipboard.” I paused. Finny was still interested, I made another observation, “Yes there is writing on the paper. You are curious.” When Finny began lightly pulling on my paper, I said:  “I'm going to hang on to this.  I see you want it, …pause… I'm hanging on.”  She was watching me intently and trying to get it from me but was also listening. 

Then Jimmy came over and the same thing repeated with him, except he was more interested in my pen.  I let him know that it is my pen for writing and I'm going to hang on to it, I paused and watched him and said “it looks like you are interested in my pen.”  Jimmy looked from his sister to me and processed the information I was giving him, I’m holding on to the pen, yes it is a pen and I’m using it.  Jimmy stopped pulling on the pen and watched me intently.   After hearing it a few times, he decided to move on.

In similar situations, when a child wants something that you are not willing to let go of or share, you can send children the message of understanding and value their curiosity while also letting them know what the boundaries are. 

Be positive about child’s intention to explore and clear about your limits:

•          State what you see. “I see you are interested in my pen.”

Show with your tone of voice that you are interested and positive about the child’s intention to explore.

While you are making the statement - gives you a minute to evaluate the situation: is it going to be a limit or are you are willing to give the item to the child to explore?

•     State: “I will not let you…” or “I don’t want you to …..” or “I am not ok with ….” Or “I’m not done…” Show with your body language and follow through. Remain calm. Be consistent and confident.

It is important to send our children a message of confidence when we set limits. It helps children to feel secure.

•    Give simple and short explanation of why you are not willing to give an item to the child. “I need this pen for writing.”

Think what is the need for Jimmy and Finny to reach for the clip board and the pen?

• Is it a ‘need’ for connection? – Should I stop what I am doing and connect with my child now or should I tell him when I will be available.

• Is it a ‘need’ for discovery? – Should I add crayons and paper to my child’s environment?

• Is it a ‘need’ to assert himself? — Should I provide more choices when possible? (Asking a child do you want to draw or read?)

Yours in parenting,
Gilda

Our Parenting Place is a program nurturing children, parents and teachers.  It was established in 2010 and serves families in the San Gabriel Valley.  We offer RIE Certified Parent-Infant Guidance® classes for children and their parents 0-3 as well as hands-on classes for children 4 and above.  Take a look at our website for more program information:  www.ourparentingplace.com

Visiting the Dentist

Ugh, this week I’m due to visit my dentist.  How many of us look forward to visiting a dentist?  . Visiting a dentist can be a stressful event for children as well as adults.

As I try to think about my childhood visits, I can’t recall what it was that triggers a negative feeling about the visit.  I know I should go if I want to keep my teeth and gums healthy, but why do I dread going and feel nervous each time I’m scheduled to go…

Now that I have children, and I know I have to take them to the dentist, knowing that they might feel the same way as I, I asked a few dentists what they would say to parents of children as they make that important visit, what tips they’d give to recommend an easier, smoother transition to the visit:  This is what they said:   

·         Visiting a dentist helps support healthy teeth

·         Prepare your child for the visit – letting him/her know and what to expect.  Give simple information; often parents send their own messages of anxiety to children – avoid doing this. 

·         Tell your child that doctors/dentists are our hero’s – they help us with keeping our teeth healthy. 

To support healthy teeth:

1.    Diet.

Milk and juice should be given at mealtime only. Avoid giving milk at nighttime or bedtime, which is often the case.  Serve nutritional food: fresh fruits, vegetables, yogurts, cheese etc, rather than processed food from a box.

2.    Vertical transmission of cavity-causing bacteria.

Children are born without these bacteria.  Word of caution to parents:  Do not blow on your child’s food to cool it; your breath may contain small droplets of saliva, which may contain these bacteria. Refrain from sampling your child’s food. Do not place your child’s pacifier in your mouth to clean it. Rinse it off with water before giving it back to your child.

3.    Regular dental check up and cleaning every 6 months.

It is easier to prevent the disease or take care of the problem right away, rather than try to treat an advanced dental problem.

4.    Childhood caries is an infectious disease.

Childhood caries must be treated as soon as possible, even if it affects baby teeth and not permanent teeth.

5.    Establish daily brushing and flossing routine.

Flossing maybe hard for young children, floss aid tools can help.

  

 Prepare your child for the visit:

1.    Be honest with your child and let him know about the visit in advance. Inform your child what to anticipate without getting too detailed: “The dentist will count, check and clean your teeth.” These are examples of getting too detailed: “Dentist will use picks, tools and drills to check your teeth", can cause apprehension.

You might want to check out a book about going to the dentist from the library or create your own simple story with simple illustrations, to tell your child what to expect. There are many good children's books on dental visits such as Bernstein Bear story books. 

2.    Avoid phrases such as: “It’s not going to hurt” or “Don’t be scared” or “you will be ok” or “The shot will be very fast, you won’t even feel it.” Phrases like that come from our personal fears.   We are trying to convince and calm down ourselves that everything is ok. Children are easily influenced when we are anxious and scared. You want to build trust by being truthful and empathetic.

3.    Do not threaten your child with a visit to the dentist:  “If you eat too much candy we will have to go to the dentist” this will cause a negative cause and effect situation. 

What doctors can do to support a child: 

  1. Narrate his actions – often dentists who see children have this as part of their routine, to tell the child what to expect.  Talk slowly about the procedure: “I need you to open your mouth to see your teeth.” “I am going to put this mirror inside; it will be a little bit cold.”

        2. Let the child know how long it will take. Show the time passing with a clock.

Most children are apprehensive of their dental visit and the key is to manage it. Length and procedure should match the child's level of acceptance (age appropriate expectations).

3. Do not distract a child with TV, during the process. I know it’s so tempting to do so. It’s important for your child to process what is happening to his body. 

4.  There are many techniques and personality styles that go into play when dealing with a child.  In general, children need to be treated like adults, and adults need to be treated like children: Children need respect, and adults need to be pampered.

Some of the medical advice was shared by by Dr. Trent Kanemaki

and by Hom Edward K DDS

Yours in parenting,

Teacher Kira at Our Parenting Place

Our Parenting Place is a program nurturing children, parents and teachers.  It was established in 2011 and serves families in the San Gabriel Valley.  We offer RIE Certified Parent-Infant Guidance® classes for children and their parents 0-3 as well as hands-on classes for children 4 and above.  Take a look at our website for more program information:  www.ourparentingplace.com

Saying No or Saying I Hear YOU!

How many times a day do you have a situation in your family when you feel like you need to set a limit?

In a recent parenting class, one of our 18 month old children discovered the electrical plug we had covered with drapery and was soon trying to uncover the drape to touch the plug…

As I moved closer to him, I announced “Jimmy, I am coming close”, so as not to startle him with my sudden presence and to give him respect.

I was concerned about the potential danger, so I said “I see you found the electrical panel.”
I made eye contact, I touched the panel so he knew what I was referring to and I made another comment: “I see you found something.”

I put my hand between panel and him to also protect Jimmy and told him so, “I’m not okay with you touching the panel — it is not safe”
Jimmy attempted to take my hand off, but I held my ground and told him what I observed: “I see you are trying to push my hand away.”
“I’m hanging on” I said to him. I looked at him and he connected my words with my hands and eyes.

He tried again and I did the same thing again, my tone did not change, I did not say something new, I said the same thing (but not too many times as to overwhelm him).

Then he followed the plug from the stereo above on the shelf to the panel and I said, “You are looking at the stereo it is connected into the panel and it plays music” I paused and then added “we listen to music from the stereo.” Then I added “do you listen to music at home?”

He tried yet another time to touch the panel and my response was a repeat of the same. Even tone again: understanding for his need and same message – “I’m not okay, I’m hanging on.”

He did finally decide to move on and found something else to play with.
The exchange took all of 5 minutes. Calm energy and consistency of my message helped me to avoid a power struggle.

I believe often the power struggles happens when we are tired, busy or have fear that our children will not listen to us.

As you embark on similar situations in your home, try this:

1) Stay calm and come close to your child. “I am coming closer.”
Come down to the child’s eye level.
2) State what you see. (While you are saying it gives you a minute to evaluate situation: is it going to be a limit or are you going to see what happens next?)
3) State: “I will not let you…” or “I don’t want you to …..” or “I am not ok with ….”
Show with your body language and follow through. Remain calm. Be consistent.
4) Give simple and short explanation why you are stopping your child.



After you are done you might re-evaluate the situation. What was the need for Jimmy to reach the plug?

• Is it a ‘need’ for attention? – Should I assign some extra time to spend together?

• Is it a ‘need’ for discovery? – Should I add a few new or more challenging items to the environment?

• Is it a ‘need’ to assert himself? — Should I provide more choices when possible? (Asking a child do you want to wear red or blue shorts today?)

 visit: www.ourparentingplace.com
Yours in parenting,
Gilda and Kira

Changing Your Child’s Sleep Routine

My friend, Nika recently asked me a question: “My three-year-old daughter, Lisa, goes to sleep relatively easily, but I always lie down next to her until she falls asleep. This practice used to be okay with me. I started it when she was a baby when I needed a nap too, but now I would like to change that. What do I do? I want to make sure falling asleep will be a positive experience in her life. I want to make this change in a respectful way.”

I wrote a few tips for Nika.  You might want to consider them before you embark on making a change in your child’s life. They are: 

1.    It’s really important to make up your mind that you are going to change the routine and accept that it is good for you and your child. It is good for her because she is learning how to sleep independently, and she is learning how to soothe herself.

2.    Spend quality time during the day in your child’s room: playing together, reading, just sitting and watching your child play; this may help her to feel more comfortable and happy in her room.

3.    Changes should not be introduced at a time when you are traveling or when you have house guests. Instead, the situation in the house should be stable and peaceful for the most part.

4.    Get a soft and comfortable toy to sleep with. It could be a new toy or an old one that your child really likes.

5.    Create a sleep routine. For example: closing windows, putting dolls to sleep, reading goodnight stories, three kisses on the cheeks and one blown kiss, etc. The more consistent you can be with the routine, the easier it will be for your child to adapt.

6.    Be sure to tell your child about the upcoming changes. This can be done the same day before you try the new routine. The explanation should be simple and short. “I know that you are used to falling asleep when I lie down next to you. It’s time to learn to fall asleep on your own. I will put you to bed and read a story, and then I will lie down with you for a little bit. After that, I will go clean up the kitchen. “

7.    Help the child to process. During the day, this scenario can be played out with a doll. Put the doll to sleep in this new way, modeling what will happen with your child.

8.    You can create your own book using photos of your child. The book can depict the sleep routine, perhaps including the waking routine as well.

9.    The first day of the change, you can stay close a little longer until your child is almost asleep, but not fully asleep. It will be beneficial for her to have a memory of you leaving rather than wake up and be alarmed that you are not beside her.

10. Many children like to hold their parent’s hand as they fall asleep but it is preferable to change this habit. When a child holds your hand, she monitors your presence and when you pull your hand gently away, this often causes her to protest. Instead, if she wants to hold your hand, gently pat her on the back or stroke her forehead.

11. Patting, stroking, and singing a song are better not to do too steadily; change the rhythm sometimes. Then your child will not be anticipating when you will stop. This anticipation may cause anxiety.

12. The last movement should be more pronounced, as it signals that you have finished helping her settle down and you are ready to depart. After all, you are not trying to sneak out. Another thing you can do is to always sing a certain song last, as a signal that you are about to depart.

13. There is a high probability that in the first few days of these changes, your child will get up and follow you to the kitchen or call to you. Be prepared for this.  Gently take her into her room and place her back to sleep. Keep speaking to her at a minimum. You may tell her ahead of time, “If you come out of your room to get me, I will bring you back here silently.”

14. Mark the first day of the new routine on the calendar. Prepare yourself for the fact that a new habit can take at least 21 days to create. (http://www.willbowen.com).

15. Show empathy, by touching, hugging, holding and using an understanding tone of voice, but don’t use this time to reason with your child. You want to keep the talking at a minimum. You can acknowledge by saying, “I see you want me to sleep with you …”

16. When you notice even slight changes in the routine, recognize them: “I noticed that today, after we read the story and I lay down with you for a bit, you stayed in bed by yourself.”

17. Try to stay calm and do your best not to show that you are expecting to hear her cry or that you are anxious about it.

18. You might want to talk about it the next day: “Lisa, I am helping you learn to fall asleep by yourself. I know you can handle it and I will be right here.”

This method can help your child slowly adjust to this new routine, create new routines, and discover self-soothing techniques.

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

To learn more about Parenting Classes and Exploration classes, visit our website: http://www.ourparentingplace.com