Independent play

One of the parents in my RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ Class shared with me a story about how minimal restructuring of the home environment helped her gain an opportunity to do some work during the day and supported her daughter's independent play.

This is what she told me: “My daughter has always been good at playing alone. When she was first born she had some medical issues that required her to stay in the NICU. We took turns holding her for 12 hours a day which we continued after we came home slowly working on time spent alone on a mat on the floor as she spent more and more time awake. Slowly things normalized. My husband went back to work and I was left to care for the baby while doing the usual household chores and some computer work. As she got older, I needed to add about 10 minutes of “special time” before asking her to play by herself for a longer stretch of 10-20 minutes. I always checked and double checked that her basic needs were met before sitting nearby and working while she played by herself.

When she showed signs of becoming mobile, a friend offered to lend me her a plastic fence that makes a circle to contain your child. I worried we didn’t have enough room in our modest one story house. Why not baby proof the living room and her bedroom and let her roam between the two rooms?

Until she began climbing up on the couches, which really wasn’t until she was about 16 months old, we were able to manage. She crawled or walked between the two rooms while I worked. Sometimes she stood next to me and cried while I worked on the computer, but we limped along. We both adapted and escalated our behaviors: she complained more loudly, I became better at doing my work with frequent interruptions to keep reassuring her.

When she started climbing, she was able to reach the computer and touch the keys or activate the touch screen. Her actions made it impossible to continue working for me. One day I noticed that I was moving -- jumping up and dashing, really -- between the two couches in the living room, sitting on the backs of them, and holding my laptop in the air to typing a few words at a time while my now very active toddler pursued me back and forth across the room protesting the whole time. It’s astounding how ridiculous habits can form almost without notice!

At dinner, our daughter is often done quickly and we put her in the living room to play while we finish dinner and talk in the other room. It’s a nice part of the day. My husband and I can catch up and our daughter can play by herself for a few minutes before bath. I mentioned to my husband the struggle that had developed every morning. He suggested working in a different room. Being in the same room with her, he thought, wasn’t really giving me time to work or her the independence to play alone.

The next day, I made sure she was fed, dry, and gave her some special time. Then, I brought my laptop into the kitchen and worked at the kitchen table while my daughter played quietly and diligently in the other room. Bliss! That same week, she took a tumble off one of the couches and I realized there were a number of dangers in the living room that did not make it a true “yes space.” We had done enough baby proofing so that we didn’t have to follow her around policing her every movement, but there were books on the bookshelf she could pull on to her head (and eat!), the couches, and a coffee table to climb onto.
Her bedroom is very baby-proof because she sleeps on a mattress on the floor and could get up in the middle of the night and roam around. So the following day, we did snack and special time, and then I put the baby gate up in the doorway between the living room, where I would be working, and the hallway to her bedroom (all the other doors of the hall were closed). I told her I wanted her to play alone in her bedroom while I worked in the living room. There were a few moments of fussing at the gate. I met her there and listened to her concerns, rubbed her back, but told her I wanted her to keep playing in her room while I was nearby in the living room.
It worked! Now I make sure every day includes some time where she can play alone, even days when I don’t have work to do. Sometimes she closes the door! When I check on her, I’m always amazed by how focused and busy she is with truly unique play. There are days where she isn’t feeling well, or is tired, and being alone is harder. On those days I give more support (by meeting her at the gate, touching her, and listening to how she is feeling) and ask her to play alone for just a few minutes. Most days she prefers to play alone for up to 45 minutes! She has become more relaxed about the times I go into the other room and she can’t see me for a moment, and her play, in general, has become more “hers.” She loves people and visitors, but recently a visitor came over who was a little too involved in her play. She actually got up and went to play alone in her room! She is, and always has been, really and truly a whole and complete person with a rich inner life and unique inner motivations."

Photo credit: Rhys EST2018, Brooke Cagle, and Jelleke-Vanooteghem

“I see you are Interested!”

Limit setting and discipline are two topics that are often brought up by parents during our parenting class discussions.

Today in class we had a great opportunity to see how we can be respectful and kind and help children understand what our limits are as well as embrace child’s curiosity and interest.

Two children Finny and Jimmy (18 months old), came to me when they saw me with a new object - a clipboard with paper.  To them it was a new item that was worth exploring.

What observant children we have, they spotted something new right away.  In addition, I think, they also wanted to connect with me, so they came over. First came Finny and for the longest time, she touched the papers, the clipboard, and talked her “rolling tongue” way with me. I stated what I observed and I did not let go, "Yes, that is my paper, and a clipboard.” I paused. Finny was still interested, I made another observation, “Yes there is writing on the paper. You are curious.” When Finny began lightly pulling on my paper, I said:  “I'm going to hang on to this.  I see you want it, …pause… I'm hanging on.”  She was watching me intently and trying to get it from me but was also listening. 

Then Jimmy came over and the same thing repeated with him, except he was more interested in my pen.  I let him know that it is my pen for writing and I'm going to hang on to it, I paused and watched him and said “it looks like you are interested in my pen.”  Jimmy looked from his sister to me and processed the information I was giving him, I’m holding on to the pen, yes it is a pen and I’m using it.  Jimmy stopped pulling on the pen and watched me intently.   After hearing it a few times, he decided to move on.

In similar situations, when a child wants something that you are not willing to let go of or share, you can send children the message of understanding and value their curiosity while also letting them know what the boundaries are. 

Be positive about child’s intention to explore and clear about your limits:

•          State what you see. “I see you are interested in my pen.”

Show with your tone of voice that you are interested and positive about the child’s intention to explore.

While you are making the statement - gives you a minute to evaluate the situation: is it going to be a limit or are you are willing to give the item to the child to explore?

•     State: “I will not let you…” or “I don’t want you to …..” or “I am not ok with ….” Or “I’m not done…” Show with your body language and follow through. Remain calm. Be consistent and confident.

It is important to send our children a message of confidence when we set limits. It helps children to feel secure.

•    Give simple and short explanation of why you are not willing to give an item to the child. “I need this pen for writing.”

Think what is the need for Jimmy and Finny to reach for the clip board and the pen?

• Is it a ‘need’ for connection? – Should I stop what I am doing and connect with my child now or should I tell him when I will be available.

• Is it a ‘need’ for discovery? – Should I add crayons and paper to my child’s environment?

• Is it a ‘need’ to assert himself? — Should I provide more choices when possible? (Asking a child do you want to draw or read?)

Yours in parenting,
Gilda

Our Parenting Place is a program nurturing children, parents and teachers.  It was established in 2010 and serves families in the San Gabriel Valley.  We offer RIE Certified Parent-Infant Guidance® classes for children and their parents 0-3 as well as hands-on classes for children 4 and above.  Take a look at our website for more program information:  www.ourparentingplace.com

Saying No or Saying I Hear YOU!

How many times a day do you have a situation in your family when you feel like you need to set a limit?

In a recent parenting class, one of our 18 month old children discovered the electrical plug we had covered with drapery and was soon trying to uncover the drape to touch the plug…

As I moved closer to him, I announced “Jimmy, I am coming close”, so as not to startle him with my sudden presence and to give him respect.

I was concerned about the potential danger, so I said “I see you found the electrical panel.”
I made eye contact, I touched the panel so he knew what I was referring to and I made another comment: “I see you found something.”

I put my hand between panel and him to also protect Jimmy and told him so, “I’m not okay with you touching the panel — it is not safe”
Jimmy attempted to take my hand off, but I held my ground and told him what I observed: “I see you are trying to push my hand away.”
“I’m hanging on” I said to him. I looked at him and he connected my words with my hands and eyes.

He tried again and I did the same thing again, my tone did not change, I did not say something new, I said the same thing (but not too many times as to overwhelm him).

Then he followed the plug from the stereo above on the shelf to the panel and I said, “You are looking at the stereo it is connected into the panel and it plays music” I paused and then added “we listen to music from the stereo.” Then I added “do you listen to music at home?”

He tried yet another time to touch the panel and my response was a repeat of the same. Even tone again: understanding for his need and same message – “I’m not okay, I’m hanging on.”

He did finally decide to move on and found something else to play with.
The exchange took all of 5 minutes. Calm energy and consistency of my message helped me to avoid a power struggle.

I believe often the power struggles happens when we are tired, busy or have fear that our children will not listen to us.

As you embark on similar situations in your home, try this:

1) Stay calm and come close to your child. “I am coming closer.”
Come down to the child’s eye level.
2) State what you see. (While you are saying it gives you a minute to evaluate situation: is it going to be a limit or are you going to see what happens next?)
3) State: “I will not let you…” or “I don’t want you to …..” or “I am not ok with ….”
Show with your body language and follow through. Remain calm. Be consistent.
4) Give simple and short explanation why you are stopping your child.



After you are done you might re-evaluate the situation. What was the need for Jimmy to reach the plug?

• Is it a ‘need’ for attention? – Should I assign some extra time to spend together?

• Is it a ‘need’ for discovery? – Should I add a few new or more challenging items to the environment?

• Is it a ‘need’ to assert himself? — Should I provide more choices when possible? (Asking a child do you want to wear red or blue shorts today?)

 visit: www.ourparentingplace.com
Yours in parenting,
Gilda and Kira

Parent Effectiveness Training

I will place P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for raising Responsible Children by Dr. Thomas Gordon as the first one on my list. 

 Once you read it, you know ALL. Okay, not all, but you will definitely get a new vision plus tools on how to work through problems and conflicts. And not only resolve them together with you children, but also give them a unique gift to know how to deal with problems and how to “own” the problems.

Wishing you all the best in the difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

To learn more about Parenting Classes, and Exploration classes, visit our website: http://www.ourparentingplace.com/

The Value of Acknowledgement and Active Listening

After one of my presentations, one mother asked me why we should use active listening when our children might not change their mind and still do what they do. Well I came up with many reasons for the value of acknowledgement and active listening.

I have an excellent illustration with something that happened to me today.

As usual, I felt overscheduled today, yet I made great progress and stayed on time. As if I didn’t have enough to do, I added another task – to wash my dirty car that had bird droppings on it. I allotted myself 40 minutes to wash my car. I did the best I could even though I knew I could not dry or wax it. At least it doesn't look embarrassing anymore! I left the car in the carport and went inside to change and go out for my next appointment.

For those who don’t know me I usually do not show many negative feelings to others (even though I believe people should). 
 

It was a different case today when I came out to board my car. A gardener had just passed by with his leaf blower. I gasped! My car was covered with dust and leaves – all were stuck well to the wet surface of my car. I rolled my eyes, and got into the car and continued talking to myself. The gardener probably read my body language; he walked to my car and made an effort to blow the dust from my car. His attempt was not very successful, but all my negative feelings of disappointment and disbelief were gone. I opened the door, smiled at him and thanked him for his kind attempt.

Sometimes we need so little to feel much better. So why not offer this to our children?

--“I see you really wish this play date would never end, huh?”

--“It seems you would love to have candy for lunch and ice cream for dinner.”

--“I understand that you really hope I would stay, and not have to go to work.”

These statements of acknowledgement bring comfort to a tense situation and show children we are aware of their distaste or disagreement. By acknowledging and active listening, we are open to the contrary even if we can’t go along with the contrary. We listen and nod with an understanding body language. This diffuses those moments when our children feel powerless!

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

To learn more about Parenting Classes and Exploration classes, visit our website: http://www.ourparentingplace.com