“I see you are Interested!”

Limit setting and discipline are two topics that are often brought up by parents during our parenting class discussions.

Today in class we had a great opportunity to see how we can be respectful and kind and help children understand what our limits are as well as embrace child’s curiosity and interest.

Two children Finny and Jimmy (18 months old), came to me when they saw me with a new object - a clipboard with paper.  To them it was a new item that was worth exploring.

What observant children we have, they spotted something new right away.  In addition, I think, they also wanted to connect with me, so they came over. First came Finny and for the longest time, she touched the papers, the clipboard, and talked her “rolling tongue” way with me. I stated what I observed and I did not let go, "Yes, that is my paper, and a clipboard.” I paused. Finny was still interested, I made another observation, “Yes there is writing on the paper. You are curious.” When Finny began lightly pulling on my paper, I said:  “I'm going to hang on to this.  I see you want it, …pause… I'm hanging on.”  She was watching me intently and trying to get it from me but was also listening. 

Then Jimmy came over and the same thing repeated with him, except he was more interested in my pen.  I let him know that it is my pen for writing and I'm going to hang on to it, I paused and watched him and said “it looks like you are interested in my pen.”  Jimmy looked from his sister to me and processed the information I was giving him, I’m holding on to the pen, yes it is a pen and I’m using it.  Jimmy stopped pulling on the pen and watched me intently.   After hearing it a few times, he decided to move on.

In similar situations, when a child wants something that you are not willing to let go of or share, you can send children the message of understanding and value their curiosity while also letting them know what the boundaries are. 

Be positive about child’s intention to explore and clear about your limits:

•          State what you see. “I see you are interested in my pen.”

Show with your tone of voice that you are interested and positive about the child’s intention to explore.

While you are making the statement - gives you a minute to evaluate the situation: is it going to be a limit or are you are willing to give the item to the child to explore?

•     State: “I will not let you…” or “I don’t want you to …..” or “I am not ok with ….” Or “I’m not done…” Show with your body language and follow through. Remain calm. Be consistent and confident.

It is important to send our children a message of confidence when we set limits. It helps children to feel secure.

•    Give simple and short explanation of why you are not willing to give an item to the child. “I need this pen for writing.”

Think what is the need for Jimmy and Finny to reach for the clip board and the pen?

• Is it a ‘need’ for connection? – Should I stop what I am doing and connect with my child now or should I tell him when I will be available.

• Is it a ‘need’ for discovery? – Should I add crayons and paper to my child’s environment?

• Is it a ‘need’ to assert himself? — Should I provide more choices when possible? (Asking a child do you want to draw or read?)

Yours in parenting,
Gilda

Our Parenting Place is a program nurturing children, parents and teachers.  It was established in 2010 and serves families in the San Gabriel Valley.  We offer RIE Certified Parent-Infant Guidance® classes for children and their parents 0-3 as well as hands-on classes for children 4 and above.  Take a look at our website for more program information:  www.ourparentingplace.com

Temper Tantrums and Meltdowns

Temper Tantrums and Meltdowns are a sensitive subject for me. I should admit that I was simply scared of them and reacted to them rather than respond for many years. My fear was coming from wondering: “Is it normal? How serious is it? Is there something wrong with my child? How long will she cry for (it seemed endless)? Will it ever stop? What should I do?”

“What should I do?” was probably the most crucial question. Now I feel at ease during my students’ meltdowns - I feel I can help, I feel I know how I can be there for them. Thus, I would love to share with you a few tools that might be helpful to you while you are dealing with a child melting down:

1. Stay Calm

I know that sounds difficult and almost impossible.

• What helped me, was learning a fact that meltdowns are a normal part of children’s development at age 2 and 3. By age 4, meltdowns either fade away or happen less often.
• Children have as much of a challenging time as people around them. Even if children start tantrums to obtain something from you, in the middle of the tantrum they have no control over the tantrum.

2. Stay with your child (make sure he and everyone around is safe)

Some children love to be held tightly. Some like to be free and run around, they get even angrier if adults try to hold them. Very fast you will figure out what approach your child prefers.

3. Support your child with reassuring short phrases “I am here for you. I know this is hard…”

Children barely can hear us during meltdowns, so do not try to reason, lecture, explain or talk too much.

4. Go to a quiet empty room with your child – (If you have the opportunity).

It may not always be possible, but try, if you can. For example at preschool, you might go outside or to another room. You can leave the store and go sit in your car.

5. Wait until the meltdown is over

This is actually the only secret to IT. And the only thing you can do during a meltdown.

6. At evening time when the child and you feel better you can talk about what happened.

• You can create a book with simple drawings (perhaps stick figures) and simple words describing what happened. “We went to the store. And you really liked that shiny car. We didn’t buy it. You were very sad!” The child might want to add to the story or correct you: “Not sad—ANGRY!”, or he might just listen.
• This is also a great opportunity to create a future strategy. “I wonder what we can do next time.” Pause. “Maybe we can punch a big pillow, like this one.” “Or jump up and down. Do you want to try?” (When the next meltdown happens you can remind your child about this strategy and offer the alternative to laying down and kicking, screaming)

What not to do:

1. Do not have a meltdown yourself (like I used to do).
2. Do not punish, treat, or shame your child.

Remember your child is having a challenging time and not trying to make you angry, sad or miserable. Once the tantrum has started, the child has very little control over it.

3. Do not bribe or give in by giving your child what they asked for that prompted the tantrum

I know, sometimes it is very tempting to give in…. And even though I just said that children do not have much control during the meltdown; they can easily learn that starting a meltdown is the best strategy to get what they want.

My own daughter once honestly told me: “Oh mommy of course I knew to start crying when you said “no”, soon you will cry too, and then feel guilty, we would hug, and then you would do what I asked you.”

4. Do not ignore your child.

Staying calm and not giving a big reaction is different than ignoring.

What things you want to be aware of in order to prevent unnecessary meltdowns:

• Have age-appropriate expectations.
• Be aware of overscheduling your child - (a child who is overscheduled, may not have down time and thus may have more tantrums) you might want to re-evaluate the amount of activities you have for your child.
• Fatigue can set off a child, it is very important for children to get enough hours of sleep and rest.
• Hunger can set off a child, always be prepared, have a nutritious snack in your bag to offer him when needed.
• Re-evaluate your child’s environment – so as not to be over-stimulating, the concept ‘Less is More’ should be followed.
• Noise within the environment – some children are super sensitive to noise, you might need to go to a quieter room.
• Number of people in a room – some children are super sensitive to a large number of people and may get overwhelmed and meltdown as a result.
• Lack of Control – When children don’t have appropriate choices, they lose control and can’t cope, thus they meltdown. Offer choices and be careful to offer no more than 2 choices, otherwise it becomes difficult for the child to choose.

What are the other reasons for meltdowns?

• Not able to communicate what they want.

We can help our children, by using active listening. “Looks like you are trying to reach for that toy….” “Maybe you want some more water to drink…”

• Not getting what they want immediately.

We can help our children, by using active listening. “It seemed like you wanted that car

and your sister is holding it tight.”

• Not able to perform a task can be frustrating.

And again we can support our children by staying with them, not rescuing them, not

belittling there problem, but offering empathy: “I see you tried to stick that shape in and

it just wouldn’t fit.”

While children are growing they have to figure out and learn many things such as why they can’t have everything they want, how to communicate their wishes. Gaining self-control is a long and challenging process. Children need our support during that time; they count on us and trust us to be good models.

Photo credit: Elena Shachina, Mikhail Bibichkov, Denise Korpachev. 

Wishing you all the best in the difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

To learn more about Parenting Classes, Summer Program and Exploration classes, visit our website: http://www.ourparentingplace.com