The Value of Acknowledgement and Active Listening

After one of my presentations, one mother asked me why we should use active listening when our children might not change their mind and still do what they do. Well I came up with many reasons for the value of acknowledgement and active listening.

I have an excellent illustration with something that happened to me today.

As usual, I felt overscheduled today, yet I made great progress and stayed on time. As if I didn’t have enough to do, I added another task – to wash my dirty car that had bird droppings on it. I allotted myself 40 minutes to wash my car. I did the best I could even though I knew I could not dry or wax it. At least it doesn't look embarrassing anymore! I left the car in the carport and went inside to change and go out for my next appointment.

For those who don’t know me I usually do not show many negative feelings to others (even though I believe people should). 
 

It was a different case today when I came out to board my car. A gardener had just passed by with his leaf blower. I gasped! My car was covered with dust and leaves – all were stuck well to the wet surface of my car. I rolled my eyes, and got into the car and continued talking to myself. The gardener probably read my body language; he walked to my car and made an effort to blow the dust from my car. His attempt was not very successful, but all my negative feelings of disappointment and disbelief were gone. I opened the door, smiled at him and thanked him for his kind attempt.

Sometimes we need so little to feel much better. So why not offer this to our children?

--“I see you really wish this play date would never end, huh?”

--“It seems you would love to have candy for lunch and ice cream for dinner.”

--“I understand that you really hope I would stay, and not have to go to work.”

These statements of acknowledgement bring comfort to a tense situation and show children we are aware of their distaste or disagreement. By acknowledging and active listening, we are open to the contrary even if we can’t go along with the contrary. We listen and nod with an understanding body language. This diffuses those moments when our children feel powerless!

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

To learn more about Parenting Classes and Exploration classes, visit our website: http://www.ourparentingplace.com

Temper Tantrums and Meltdowns

Temper Tantrums and Meltdowns are a sensitive subject for me. I should admit that I was simply scared of them and reacted to them rather than respond for many years. My fear was coming from wondering: “Is it normal? How serious is it? Is there something wrong with my child? How long will she cry for (it seemed endless)? Will it ever stop? What should I do?”

“What should I do?” was probably the most crucial question. Now I feel at ease during my students’ meltdowns - I feel I can help, I feel I know how I can be there for them. Thus, I would love to share with you a few tools that might be helpful to you while you are dealing with a child melting down:

1. Stay Calm

I know that sounds difficult and almost impossible.

• What helped me, was learning a fact that meltdowns are a normal part of children’s development at age 2 and 3. By age 4, meltdowns either fade away or happen less often.
• Children have as much of a challenging time as people around them. Even if children start tantrums to obtain something from you, in the middle of the tantrum they have no control over the tantrum.

2. Stay with your child (make sure he and everyone around is safe)

Some children love to be held tightly. Some like to be free and run around, they get even angrier if adults try to hold them. Very fast you will figure out what approach your child prefers.

3. Support your child with reassuring short phrases “I am here for you. I know this is hard…”

Children barely can hear us during meltdowns, so do not try to reason, lecture, explain or talk too much.

4. Go to a quiet empty room with your child – (If you have the opportunity).

It may not always be possible, but try, if you can. For example at preschool, you might go outside or to another room. You can leave the store and go sit in your car.

5. Wait until the meltdown is over

This is actually the only secret to IT. And the only thing you can do during a meltdown.

6. At evening time when the child and you feel better you can talk about what happened.

• You can create a book with simple drawings (perhaps stick figures) and simple words describing what happened. “We went to the store. And you really liked that shiny car. We didn’t buy it. You were very sad!” The child might want to add to the story or correct you: “Not sad—ANGRY!”, or he might just listen.
• This is also a great opportunity to create a future strategy. “I wonder what we can do next time.” Pause. “Maybe we can punch a big pillow, like this one.” “Or jump up and down. Do you want to try?” (When the next meltdown happens you can remind your child about this strategy and offer the alternative to laying down and kicking, screaming)

What not to do:

1. Do not have a meltdown yourself (like I used to do).
2. Do not punish, treat, or shame your child.

Remember your child is having a challenging time and not trying to make you angry, sad or miserable. Once the tantrum has started, the child has very little control over it.

3. Do not bribe or give in by giving your child what they asked for that prompted the tantrum

I know, sometimes it is very tempting to give in…. And even though I just said that children do not have much control during the meltdown; they can easily learn that starting a meltdown is the best strategy to get what they want.

My own daughter once honestly told me: “Oh mommy of course I knew to start crying when you said “no”, soon you will cry too, and then feel guilty, we would hug, and then you would do what I asked you.”

4. Do not ignore your child.

Staying calm and not giving a big reaction is different than ignoring.

What things you want to be aware of in order to prevent unnecessary meltdowns:

• Have age-appropriate expectations.
• Be aware of overscheduling your child - (a child who is overscheduled, may not have down time and thus may have more tantrums) you might want to re-evaluate the amount of activities you have for your child.
• Fatigue can set off a child, it is very important for children to get enough hours of sleep and rest.
• Hunger can set off a child, always be prepared, have a nutritious snack in your bag to offer him when needed.
• Re-evaluate your child’s environment – so as not to be over-stimulating, the concept ‘Less is More’ should be followed.
• Noise within the environment – some children are super sensitive to noise, you might need to go to a quieter room.
• Number of people in a room – some children are super sensitive to a large number of people and may get overwhelmed and meltdown as a result.
• Lack of Control – When children don’t have appropriate choices, they lose control and can’t cope, thus they meltdown. Offer choices and be careful to offer no more than 2 choices, otherwise it becomes difficult for the child to choose.

What are the other reasons for meltdowns?

• Not able to communicate what they want.

We can help our children, by using active listening. “Looks like you are trying to reach for that toy….” “Maybe you want some more water to drink…”

• Not getting what they want immediately.

We can help our children, by using active listening. “It seemed like you wanted that car

and your sister is holding it tight.”

• Not able to perform a task can be frustrating.

And again we can support our children by staying with them, not rescuing them, not

belittling there problem, but offering empathy: “I see you tried to stick that shape in and

it just wouldn’t fit.”

While children are growing they have to figure out and learn many things such as why they can’t have everything they want, how to communicate their wishes. Gaining self-control is a long and challenging process. Children need our support during that time; they count on us and trust us to be good models.

Photo credit: Elena Shachina, Mikhail Bibichkov, Denise Korpachev. 

Wishing you all the best in the difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

To learn more about Parenting Classes, Summer Program and Exploration classes, visit our website: http://www.ourparentingplace.com

Connect with your Inner Creativity

Creativity—what is it? How many times were we told that "everyone is CREATIVE?" …and still many of us don’t quite believe this statement. Have you ever wondered, like I have, why young children are eager to create, but once they pass middle school very few continue pursuing art?

Recently, I met an artist, Vladi Nepychnyi, who is not only talented himself, but also has a special way of working with children. He starts his class with asking his students what ideas, styles and materials they want to implement in their creations. From their ideas he creates his curriculum. Vladi likes to say, "I am not teaching children 'how to draw,' rather I help them find and connect with their inner creativity." Vladi introduces new techniques to children when they are ready to "soar" to the next level.

One time, Vladi shared a story that occurred in his class: “A new student at my school did not want to draw anything. He said that he hated art because someone once told him that he cannot draw. I responded that it would be fun if he drew how much he hated art using any medium he wanted. Time at school goes by very quickly, however. The soft sound of the bell reminded us that class was over, but during break time, the boy came over and asked to work on the “I Hate Art” project. He drew a picture showing how much he hates art.”

Do you want to expose your child to art techniques and mixed media? Do you see your child as a creative soul and want to expose him/her to the arts but in a class that is more free-flowing than rigid?

Perhaps you will be enamored as I was by Vladi Nepychnyi, who is a contemporary artist and graduate of the School of Fine Arts in Ukraine and Certified Teacher of the International Baccalaureate Visual Arts Program. Vladi knows how to motivate children in their passion to pursue expressive art. Vladi’s works range in mediums from oil paintings, mosaics, reliefs and sculpture. Vladi’s mission is to reach every artist in their own right and empower them to find their “inner creativity.” He is able to inspire, teach, direct, follow and guide students to find their creativity whether it be through photography, sculpture, painting, cartooning or chalk.

To learn more about the class details, go to Exploration Classes at http://ourparentingplace.com. Our Parenting Place is a new program in San Marino embracing the values of emergent hands-on curriculum in a home-like setting located at the Hill Harbison House.

If the class interests you, email or call us at gmoshir@gmail.com

or (626) 588-2945

Cheers,

Gilda

Ivan, Mark and the Мaze

For young children, low-intensity parallel play can quickly escalate into a high-intensity exchange. When they feel overwhelmed they begin to struggle with regulating their emotional and behavioral responses. We view these conflicts as tremendous learning opportunities where an adult can step in, stabilize the situation and help initiate a child-generated resolution.

Consider this scenario:

Mark was rolling balls through a maze. Ivan sat next to him and started rolling balls through the same maze. They both watched the balls rolling down with excitement and searched for more balls on the ground. Sometimes they put the balls into the same maze and at first, it seemed okay with both boys, until Mark suddenly chose to hold on to the whole maze. He yelled, “Mine!” Ivan too held on to the maze tightly and pulled (demonstrating his disagreement with Mark). As it did not look safe, Teacher Kira placed her hand on the maze, but didn’t take the maze away.

The boys screamed loudly; it made it difficult to hear and talk. Teacher Kira reassured both boys by saying “I’m holding on and will not let go because it does not look safe”, she paused.

Both boys had tears in their eyes, their faces turning red, they continued struggling for a while. After a few minutes, Ivan decided to let go of the maze and crawled away, he came back with a similar maze. He said, “I helped Mark.”

After that, both of the boys got up and went to do something else together, as though nothing had happened. Another friend, Lily commented, “Looks like they don't want to play with that house” (Maze looked like a house with a red roof).

It is a great value for both children to be involved in such a conflict situations. Great learning experience that is very challenging to rebuild latter on in life.

Wishing you all the best in the difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

Spring Festival and Bazaar

Saturday March 17 from 1:30—4:30pm

Join our Spring Festival and cultural celebration of Persian New Year. Enjoy ethnic food, vendors selling sweets, clothing, jewelry, jams, condiments, books, items for Persian New Year. Activities for the whole family: Carnival games, Egg-dying, Music, Entertainment, Raffle, Gifts for Children and more.
--Free Admission—

http://www.facebook.com/events/248681101882566

To learn more about Parenting Classes and Exploration classes, visit our website: http://www.ourparentingplace.com

Limit Setting

What you could do if you observe undesired behavior

Age 10 months - 2.5 years old
What is limit setting? When do we need to use it? And how?

During the first year, children get almost everything they want because they want what they need. When children grow bigger they begin wanting items that are not safe or items that we don’t wish to give them. Children get introduced to the word, “no” and often don’t like to hear it.

Limit setting -- is the boundary of safety, respect and responsibility. In simple words it is a respectful way to put a limit on a child’s behavior, that you as a parent find inappropriate. Every parent has the authority to stop unsafe behavior. Most of us do not have a challenge with this part. For example, if your child is found using matches, there is no power struggle for any parent, you just stop your child without a doubt. With other limits parents often get into power struggles with their child, because they are not sure if they have the authority to stop the child. Their words, body language and action tell that to a child.

So first of all, think about your expectation – ask yourself - is it age appropriate. For example: It will be age inappropriate for an 18 month old to sit at a restaurant table quietly for two hours.

Second, decide if setting the limit is worth or important for you. For example: When child discovers turning light on and off, you might choose to simply let him play with it instead of setting a limit. When child wants to climb on the couch, it might be okay at your home. Jumping on the bed, can be okay in some households.

Third, make sure there are plenty of “ yes” activities around your house.

So, there are times when you are allowed to say “No,” even in non-emergency situations. And this is how you can do it in a respectful way.

#	Steps	Examples
1	Ask yourself, what does my child NEED when he exhibits the behavior.	A child who is pinching the baby that mom is holding, may need mom’s love and attention. A child who throw a toy, might need a simple need for throwing (gross motor skills).
2	If behavior is not dangerous do a short observation	Come closer to the children; get at the same eye level. Move as calmly as you can. I even like to verbalize: “I am getting closer.”
3	If the behavior is not dangerous, connect with child.	Acknowledge child’s desires: “I see you really want that cookie!” “You wish to run outside with barefoot…” “I see you are thinking about light…. It is fun to turn it off and on. I remember when you discovered it.” “I see you want to be on this couch.”
4	Set a clear limit if you think it is important. If it is appropriate give simple short explanation why.	Use assertive voice (tone)— “I don’t want you to throw hard toys. It hurts!” “I need you to wear boots before we go outside. It is cold outside.” “I don’t want you to climb on the table.” When you are phrasing a request word “please” is unnecessary. It is different if you ask a child to bring you the key or something you need. Then you will say: “Susie, please, bring me the key from the table.” “We do not hurt people.” – is not a clear massage. Tell exactly what you want child to do. It is almost like saying to your husband: “Some men gave flowers to their wives.”
5	Give some time for child to process the information	Children need more time than adults to process, so just pause for 2-3 seconds after your request.
6	If the child is not responding to your request you need to physically help him.	For an older child (around 2 years) you can first offer a choice: “Do you want me to help you? Or You can climb down yourself?” Give a child 2-3 sec to process “It looks like I need to help you.” Help a child.
7	If you can, offer alternative behavior, based on child’s needs (re-direct).	If the child’s need is for throwing: “I can’t let you throw the cup. Let’s find a ball.” If the child’s need for attention: “Come! I will give you a hug.”

Now your limit is set. It is important to be consistent with your expectations. It is not very wise to change it right away. For example: If you realize (in middle of setting the limit) that the weather outside is actually not that cold and your child could go outside barefoot ….you probably shouldn’t say okay you can go barefoot…it is not that cold after all.

At the same time it is important to understand limits are flexible compared to rules. You might have a rule: We never run and scream. Limit is when you say “I don’t want you to run around the house when dad sleeps, it is okay when he is awake and we can plan a roughhousing game.”

What is the purpose of re-direction? And how you can use it?

Eleanor Reynolds argued in her book: Guiding Young Children, that we shouldn’t use re-direction with children. She said, “This strategy consists of diverting a child attention away from a conflict or problem and getting him interested in something or someone else.” Re-directing in this manner might provide short term resolution to a problem, but will not help a child to experience a problem, disappointment and working it out.

However, using re-direction based on child’s ‘need’ can help child to find appropriate behavior or solution. For example, when we see a child throwing the blocks (and our guess that he has a need for throwing) I might offer “Let’s look for something that we can throw.” And then guide him towards balls, paper planes or bean bags.

Summary:

Although, it seems sometimes that our children do not like us to set the limits, they actually need to know that adult will be able to stop them when it is necessary in order to feel safe. They also have the need to push limits to develop their independence, self control, courage and will. So pushing limits and setting limits are important and a necessary part of parents and their child’s life.

Photo credit: Elena Shachina

Wishing you all the best in the difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

To learn more about Parenting Classes and Exploration classes, visit our website: http://www.ourparentingplace.com/

What if He Doesn't Want to Learn?

We all hope and wish our children will love learning. And what if they don't? What if they are bored in class? What if they don't want to listen in class? What if homework becomes a dreaded chore?

As a teacher or parent, we struggle with when to respond and how to respond. Have you encountered the kid who just does not want to follow the routine in the class? Ignore it or face it. What should you do?

Once, I had a kid in my class who did just this, he would talk out of line, he just blurted out what came to his mind, while the teacher was talking. One day he came to class with his head bowed down and his mom complained to me that her son did not want to come to class, owing to the boring class and that he is tired of learning basic alphabet.

Photo: Our students' role playing.

I listened to mom and wondered how best I can approach this kid and mom to not feel this way. I thought to myself, I can go the approach of lecturing him or dismissing his thoughts altogether and do my own thing. Then I thought, “oh he’s probably heard the “you should, you must, you need, you better etc.” I decided not to act but to listen and observe.

With those thoughts running through my head I stepped into a room with the boy and asked him how his morning was. The boy said that he was mad because he had to leave his Lego's at home. With great surprise in my voice, I looked at him and said, “You have Lego's?" and you know what he did? He raised his head and with great animation he told me about his Lego’s. I had struck a note! I didn’t have to confront him about his boredom, all of a sudden, I had touched a topic dear to this kid’s heart and then I suggested, "Well why don’t you bring your Lego's to class one day?"

And you know the response I got from him…was one of jubilation, he beamed with a smile and asked if he can bring his creations the following class I said why not?

The following week he brought his creation and he was so proud to be showing off his masterpiece and so engaged in our class.

With such a small gesture, his attitude had changed completely.

Photo: Оne of our student's Lego creation.

What do you think was the key?

I would say the key is: building a relationship, find out what interests the child, listen with real interest. With that information in mind, you can incorporate his/her expertise in a particular area in the classroom or at home and help him/her own his space and the way he interacts in that space.

What are your stories?

Cheers,

Gilda

Dear friends,

Our Parenting Place will have a table at the Mom's Club Preschool Fair on Saturday, January 7, 2012, come and learn about our programs.

For more information visit: www.pasadenapreschoolfair.com

To learn more about Our Parenting Place program, visit our website: http://www.ourparentingplace.com/