Limit Setting

What you could do if you observe undesired behavior

Age 10 months - 2.5 years old
What is limit setting? When do we need to use it? And how?

During the first year, children get almost everything they want because they want what they need. When children grow bigger they begin wanting items that are not safe or items that we don’t wish to give them. Children get introduced to the word, “no” and often don’t like to hear it.

Limit setting -- is the boundary of safety, respect and responsibility. In simple words it is a respectful way to put a limit on a child’s behavior, that you as a parent find inappropriate. Every parent has the authority to stop unsafe behavior. Most of us do not have a challenge with this part. For example, if your child is found using matches, there is no power struggle for any parent, you just stop your child without a doubt. With other limits parents often get into power struggles with their child, because they are not sure if they have the authority to stop the child. Their words, body language and action tell that to a child.

So first of all, think about your expectation – ask yourself - is it age appropriate. For example: It will be age inappropriate for an 18 month old to sit at a restaurant table quietly for two hours.

Second, decide if setting the limit is worth or important for you. For example: When child discovers turning light on and off, you might choose to simply let him play with it instead of setting a limit. When child wants to climb on the couch, it might be okay at your home. Jumping on the bed, can be okay in some households.

Third, make sure there are plenty of “ yes” activities around your house.

So, there are times when you are allowed to say “No,” even in non-emergency situations. And this is how you can do it in a respectful way.

#	Steps	Examples
1	Ask yourself, what does my child NEED when he exhibits the behavior.	A child who is pinching the baby that mom is holding, may need mom’s love and attention. A child who throw a toy, might need a simple need for throwing (gross motor skills).
2	If behavior is not dangerous do a short observation	Come closer to the children; get at the same eye level. Move as calmly as you can. I even like to verbalize: “I am getting closer.”
3	If the behavior is not dangerous, connect with child.	Acknowledge child’s desires: “I see you really want that cookie!” “You wish to run outside with barefoot…” “I see you are thinking about light…. It is fun to turn it off and on. I remember when you discovered it.” “I see you want to be on this couch.”
4	Set a clear limit if you think it is important. If it is appropriate give simple short explanation why.	Use assertive voice (tone)— “I don’t want you to throw hard toys. It hurts!” “I need you to wear boots before we go outside. It is cold outside.” “I don’t want you to climb on the table.” When you are phrasing a request word “please” is unnecessary. It is different if you ask a child to bring you the key or something you need. Then you will say: “Susie, please, bring me the key from the table.” “We do not hurt people.” – is not a clear massage. Tell exactly what you want child to do. It is almost like saying to your husband: “Some men gave flowers to their wives.”
5	Give some time for child to process the information	Children need more time than adults to process, so just pause for 2-3 seconds after your request.
6	If the child is not responding to your request you need to physically help him.	For an older child (around 2 years) you can first offer a choice: “Do you want me to help you? Or You can climb down yourself?” Give a child 2-3 sec to process “It looks like I need to help you.” Help a child.
7	If you can, offer alternative behavior, based on child’s needs (re-direct).	If the child’s need is for throwing: “I can’t let you throw the cup. Let’s find a ball.” If the child’s need for attention: “Come! I will give you a hug.”

Now your limit is set. It is important to be consistent with your expectations. It is not very wise to change it right away. For example: If you realize (in middle of setting the limit) that the weather outside is actually not that cold and your child could go outside barefoot ….you probably shouldn’t say okay you can go barefoot…it is not that cold after all.

At the same time it is important to understand limits are flexible compared to rules. You might have a rule: We never run and scream. Limit is when you say “I don’t want you to run around the house when dad sleeps, it is okay when he is awake and we can plan a roughhousing game.”

What is the purpose of re-direction? And how you can use it?

Eleanor Reynolds argued in her book: Guiding Young Children, that we shouldn’t use re-direction with children. She said, “This strategy consists of diverting a child attention away from a conflict or problem and getting him interested in something or someone else.” Re-directing in this manner might provide short term resolution to a problem, but will not help a child to experience a problem, disappointment and working it out.

However, using re-direction based on child’s ‘need’ can help child to find appropriate behavior or solution. For example, when we see a child throwing the blocks (and our guess that he has a need for throwing) I might offer “Let’s look for something that we can throw.” And then guide him towards balls, paper planes or bean bags.

Summary:

Although, it seems sometimes that our children do not like us to set the limits, they actually need to know that adult will be able to stop them when it is necessary in order to feel safe. They also have the need to push limits to develop their independence, self control, courage and will. So pushing limits and setting limits are important and a necessary part of parents and their child’s life.

Photo credit: Elena Shachina

Wishing you all the best in the difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

To learn more about Parenting Classes and Exploration classes, visit our website: http://www.ourparentingplace.com/