Feeling discouraged

I admire the parents who attend my classes; they are thoughtful, wise, and have the most provocative questions. One day, they came to class feeling discouraged, this is what they said, “We like what we do with our children: providing freedom, validating their feelings, spending time together – connecting, but there are times when we feel it is never enough for our preschool-age children. We feel resentful sometimes and discouraged.” 

A few thoughts came out of this conversation:

1. Perspective

We cannot trade empathy for good behavior. It just doesn’t work like that. So we might need to start by changing our expectations of the outcome when we validate our child’s feelings.

Go for ice cream, laugh, and connect!! Spending time with your child one-on-one will help him feel loved, safe, needed, and important. In addition, it also might affect his behavior in a positive way. Just don’t try to go there with the expectation, if I do this ____, you have to do this _____.

Go there with the expectation, when I do this _______, I hope that I am fostering your emotional intelligence, helping you feel secure and comfortable with different feelings.

2. Connection

Connection is one of the most important needs human beings have. This is why – always start with the connection first before any corrections and requests.

Sometimes a very short gesture: hug, touch, look, or soft words can change the whole dynamic. For any child, it is very important to have a parent who is emotionally responsive. Parents who send a message: “I hear you, I see you.”

Connection through humor and playfulness – helps the tension to go down, children feel at ease, and parents too. Bring silliness into the process of washing hands, putting socks on, or getting out of the house. 

3. Tolerating disappointments

Sometimes we might believe that if we validate all types of feelings, it means we give in to what they are asking for. As well as having to allow any kind of behavior. One time, I was talking to Melani Ladygo. She said that respect is not doing what your child asked you to do. It is to listen and take it into consideration.

So, after a fun day out with your child, he still wants to have more time with you. You can listen, acknowledge, empathize, and tolerate his disappointment. Allow him to cry or pout; don’t try to convince him that he had enough good time. 

4. Unmet needs

Ask yourself what else might be going on. What kind of unmet needs might be involved?

Maybe:

• your older child started school,
• he overheard a heated conversation between his parents,
• something happened between him and his friend.

5. Parents’ needs

Parents need a break and recharge too. We do not always even permit ourselves to rest or have fun. Eventually, it does make us snap or feel resentful. Try to add to your “to-do list” a short break for 10-15 minutes  – what will it be? Ask for help, and trade with your partner the time you spend with your children. Brainstorm other ideas! Sometimes it could be as small as being able to go to the bathroom alone for five minutes.

Wishing you all the best in the difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

If you need more information, email or call me for RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ Classes.

Warmly,

Teacher Kira

Welcome to class

 

I’m happy to welcome you to our RIE^® Certified Parent-Infant Guidance. The foundation of Magda Gerber’s Educaring Approach is respect. In our class, we will demonstrate respect for babies in our small daily actions, such as being slow, letting our baby know before picking him up, and waiting for the baby’s response before acting. We will observe, be curious and learn from our baby.

 

 

 

 

1. Walk in slowly – take your time

Young children’s processing time is slower than for grown-ups and everything is new for them.  Babies will really appreciate your effort to slow down.

Walking in is a transition: you walk from outside into the building, the door is closed and makes noise, there are other parents, they are talking, maybe they are moving. Oh, and there are also babies, they are moving, making noises, and possibly crying. 

I tell my parents “You are never late to RIE class.” Yes, of course, I would love for you to enjoy all 90 minutes of class, but if your child slept longer than you expected or something else got in your way – please, don’t feel stressed – you are welcome to class.

Take your shoes off slowly, wash or disinfect your hands, and place your bag against the shelves on the other side of the play area. Slowly walk into the class and choose a comfortable spot – you can use a yoga chair if you wish.

2. Pick a spot

Try to keep the same spot every class, this way once your baby is mobile he will know where to find you. *It doesn’t mean you can’t move around the class – it is a flexible environment.

3. Stay with your baby for as long as your baby and you need

When you walk into class, you might see other babies on the cover playing and exploring. You don’t have to put your baby down just yet. Stay together for a few minutes, give him time to look around and see if he is ready.

4. Put your baby on his back

We always start with the back position. This is the position from which a child can decide to turn on his tummy or turn sideways and get into a sitting position. Natural development is important. Babies always do what they are ready for. Your child might be more active at home and seem like he does more at home. It could be because he is observing, taking it all in, and getting comfortable.

It doesn’t mean we don’t believe in tummy time (a common myth about RIE); it means we believe in baby-led tummy time.

“I wish doctors had enough time to be able to observe how a baby is moving naturally, to share these observations with parents, and to point out to the parents how competent a baby is at any stage of development. This might help the parents to observe and appreciate what the child is capable of doing and to stop worrying and pushing toward the next milestone, for which the baby may not yet be ready.” – Magda Gerber

If you have a toddler walk together and let him choose to either seat with you or go to explore the room.

5. Toys

Observe what your child decides to do, and how he feels on the cover. It could be tempting to bring toys to the baby, especially when he is not quite mobile. Children are rarely upset about being under-stimulated, yet they are very often upset when they are overstimulated.

“Frequently young babies are subject to too much stimulation. Often adults do not recognize an infant’s need for peace and quiet.” — Magda Gerber

You observe that your baby pushed or kicked away all the toys around him. Here are a few ideas of how you can respond: https://ourparentingplace.com/to-rescue-or-not/

6. Observe

Sensitive observation is the best part of the class. When we are quiet and watch our babies with “soft eyes” we can learn so much about them. It is a great opportunity to connect with your child. Also, your child receives a great message from you — what he does and how he plays is interesting and important to you.

7. Q&A

Feel free to ask questions and bring topics to the conversation.

Our goal in class is to help children to be authentic, confident, focused, and cooperative. They find inner direction, self-initiation, and intrinsic motivation. I hope this experience will be meaningful, rewarding, and helpful to your family, giving you the opportunity to see your baby with new eyes.

Email me or call for more information about RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ Classes.

Wishing you all the best in the difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

Warmly,

Teacher Kira

Beyond Diaper Change

One of the parents in my RIE^®Parent-Infant Guidance class approached me about cooperation during diaper changes. The dad said it was so easy with Sam when he was younger and now when he is one year he is moving so fast, that diaper changes become a race.

We talked a bit about diaper change and what parents can do before and during the process. Cooperation builds through different interactions throughout the day when children get the opportunity to be involved, have time to process, and time to participate.

 

I want to illustrate a few opportunities for you and your child to build connection and cooperation:

1. Picnic

After a picnic, you are ready to pick up the blanket, but your child is still in the middle of it. Although the fastest solution is probably to pick up your child and move him, try something different: let the child know you want to put the blanket away, show him by holding the corners and wait. See what happens. It might take your child a minute to process what you are communicating and then he will move. What just happened: the child gets the opportunity to participate and respond to what you are asking. It feels good to be involved, it feels good to cooperate. And, yes, you will not always have time for it, yet there will be plenty of moments (such as a picnic in the park) when you don’t need to be faster.

2. Hand washing

Before meal time and after playing outside you probably want to wash your child’s hands. When children are young, the main part of hand washing is on the parent: bring the child to the sink, open the water, get the soap, wash and dry their hands. Try something different: start with letting your child know what you want, and give your child a moment to process – you will be surprised that your child might choose to walk or crawl to the bathroom. Ask your child for his hand and again give him a moment again; wait for your child to move his hands towards the water. See what other part of the participation your child wants to take – it will change every day. Every day your child is gaining new skills, a new understanding, and a new level of participation.

3. Waving goodbye

Aunt Marie is leaving. It is so tempting to grab Sam’s hand and wave to Marie using his hand. This kind of prompt might not be necessary. Try something different: You wave to Aunt Marie and wait; there is a big chance that in a minute Sam will want to wave too. And if not, he will do it next time.

Let me know if you need more information about RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ Classes.

Wishing you all the best in this difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

Warmly,

Teacher Kira