What if He Doesn't Want to Learn?

We all hope and wish our children will love learning. And what if they don't? What if they are bored in class? What if they don't want to listen in class? What if homework becomes a dreaded chore?

As a teacher or parent, we struggle with when to respond and how to respond. Have you encountered the kid who just does not want to follow the routine in the class? Ignore it or face it. What should you do?

Once, I had a kid in my class who did just this, he would talk out of line, he just blurted out what came to his mind, while the teacher was talking. One day he came to class with his head bowed down and his mom complained to me that her son did not want to come to class, owing to the boring class and that he is tired of learning basic alphabet.

Photo: Our students' role playing.

I listened to mom and wondered how best I can approach this kid and mom to not feel this way. I thought to myself, I can go the approach of lecturing him or dismissing his thoughts altogether and do my own thing. Then I thought, “oh he’s probably heard the “you should, you must, you need, you better etc.” I decided not to act but to listen and observe.

With those thoughts running through my head I stepped into a room with the boy and asked him how his morning was. The boy said that he was mad because he had to leave his Lego's at home. With great surprise in my voice, I looked at him and said, “You have Lego's?" and you know what he did? He raised his head and with great animation he told me about his Lego’s. I had struck a note! I didn’t have to confront him about his boredom, all of a sudden, I had touched a topic dear to this kid’s heart and then I suggested, "Well why don’t you bring your Lego's to class one day?"

And you know the response I got from him…was one of jubilation, he beamed with a smile and asked if he can bring his creations the following class I said why not?

The following week he brought his creation and he was so proud to be showing off his masterpiece and so engaged in our class.

With such a small gesture, his attitude had changed completely.

Photo: Оne of our student's Lego creation.

What do you think was the key?

I would say the key is: building a relationship, find out what interests the child, listen with real interest. With that information in mind, you can incorporate his/her expertise in a particular area in the classroom or at home and help him/her own his space and the way he interacts in that space.

What are your stories?

Cheers,

Gilda

Dear friends,

Our Parenting Place will have a table at the Mom's Club Preschool Fair on Saturday, January 7, 2012, come and learn about our programs.

For more information visit: www.pasadenapreschoolfair.com

To learn more about Our Parenting Place program, visit our website: http://www.ourparentingplace.com/

'Our Parenting Place' Opens Its Doors

Our Parenting Place opened its doors a few weeks ago at 1841 Alhambra Road in San Marino, aka the Girl Scout House. Last weekend, we celebrated our informal "ribbon cutting" and Annual Harvest Festival on Sunday, Nov. 6 from 12 - 3 pm and we greeted more than 70 guests who came even though it was rainy and cold.

Our Parenting Place offers parenting classes and language and culture classes (currently we are offering Persian and Russian language). The founders, Gilda Moshir, who is Persian, and Kira Solomatova, who is Russian, are eager to share their culture with the larger community by way of teaching language classes and hopefully soon bringing other cultural classes to you.

Our celebration included ribbon cutting, carnival games such as ring toss, color wheel, face painting, cultural crafts, and the sharing of traditional foods potluck. We were joined by community members, friends of the founders and business donors who had given so generously to our raffle. Everyone was a winner at this event.

Our goodie bags were passports that introduced to the kids a fact or two about the Russian and Persian culture. Happy reading! All in all, it was a beautiful day and we were applauded for bringing two cultures together that have more in common than initially thought of.

Since we've opened doors, many folks have asked us to offer other extra-curricular classes. So far, we've had offerings of crocheting, sewing, wholesome cooking, French and Spanish and we are eager to hear YOUR ideas too. Visit our website and help us grow, answer our survey on classes you might be interested in signing up for, either for yourself or your children.

To learn more, you can visit our website: http://www.ourparentingplace.com/

We plan to have a Cultural Craft Table at the Christmas Around the Drive on Friday,

December 2, so visit our table and help us expand.

Thank you, Gilda Moshir and Kira Solomatova

Respect for Children

I would like to share with you an amazing book written by my mentor and friend, Ruth Anne, "Respecting Babies: A New Look at Magda Gerber's RIE Approach."

Ruth Anne was once a student of Magda Gerber, the founder of the RIE approach.

Ruth Anne talks about respect for babies. Why is it so important to speak to our children about what is happening and wait for a response?

Ruth Anne wrote, "When an adult speaks quietly about what is happening and waits for response, the child does not need to be on alert that change could be coming at any moment unannounced. It is enough for baby to have to regulate her emotions when unavoidable surprises happen, such as when someone accidentally drops something, making loud noise."

Wishing you all the best in the difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

PACE Education Conference:

Teachers Kira and Gilda will be presenting at the 42nd Annual PACE conference in Anaheim the weekend of October 14 - 16, 2011.

Check it out by visiting their site: http://www.pacenet.org/Conferences. We hope to see some of our friends there and make new friends.

Message of acceptance

Last summer I searched for my mother’s acceptance.

It is easy to send a message of acceptance as well as it is to withdraw acceptance.

Last summer I was visiting my mother in Moscow. I was traveling by subway and I hadn’t planned to think much about child development until I saw a particular situation. An eight-year-old girl was sitting on the seats of the subway, a two year old was lying in a stroller, and a mother was standing next to the stroller while I sat across from them.

The two-year-old girl stretched her arm up; the mother slightly moved the stroller’s cover, smiled, and gently touched the little girl’s hair. Their eyes met. I thought it was special - a special opportunity to build a relationship and an emotional connection. The little girl giggled softly and started crinkling the soft roof of the stroller. The mother reacted quickly by lightly slapping her on the arm, straightening the roof, and turning away from the girl’s face to look into the distance. The girl softly cried and soon fell asleep.

After we passed a few stops, the older daughter stood up next to the mother. She stood on the tips of her toes and looked at her reflection in the tinted window. Her mother shared a smile with her. Encouraged by her mother’s kind smile, the girl tried to reach up high and almost jump. The mother abruptly and harshly asked her to stop.

In both situations the mother sent a mixed message: first an encouraging and accepting message and then a discouraging and disapproving one. This may appear trivial and insignificant at first. However, it is significant to the child who is constantly receiving messages of unacceptance.

It seems that she naturally loves her children but didn’t know how to respond when their behavior looked inappropriate.

What would you do?
How could she respond differently in such situations?

1. Make an emotional connection with the child (sometimes by getting close or through words of acknowledgement).This mom already had an emotional connection with her daughter when the situation occurred, so it should be even easier for her to redirect her daughter’s behavior to something acceptable for the mother.
2. Name what you see, make a simple statement: “I see you are crinkling the roof.” It helps the child understand what’s going on, but it also gives the mother an extra moment to think.
3. Let’s say the mother decided that she doesn’t want her daughter to do what she was doing. The mother can simply set the limit by saying: “I am worried that the roof will be broken, so I don’t want it to be pulled and crinkled.” (Short reason, clear limit.)
4. The mother can remove the roof or tuck it away. She can redirect her child’s energy into acceptable behavior by offering the child a toy: “I don’t want you to play with the roof; here is what you can play with.”

Often this kind of response will give a positive result. Your child will hear you. Instead of an unpleasant meltdown in a public setting, the situation turns into positive interaction.

This is only the short-term benefit of this interaction. The long-term benefit will still be tremendous even if the child chooses not to cooperate after the exchange.

What is the long-term goal? The long-term goal is to:

• build a healthy relationship (most of us want our children to grow up into teenagers who hear our words),
• respect the child as a whole child (if we expect our children to respect us we should show them respect),
• ensure that the child knows that her mother listens, understands, and loves her,
• have self respect throughout their life,
• have a healthy self esteem,
• learn the parent’s expectations/norms and family values (what is okay and what is not okay).

Wishing you all the best in the difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

Free Story Time

FREE STORY TIME

Join us for a FREE story time in 3 languages (English, Persian & Russian)

for children ages 3 – 8

Tuesday, September 20, 2011@10 am

Lacy Park (near playground – under the shady tree)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011@ 4 pm

Garfield Park (near the playground~ under the shady tree)

Presented by Our Parenting Place Teachers

Three Dolls

We invite you to a very unique parenting class. In this class, parents have the opportunity to learn important parenting skills: objective observation, selective intervention, and how to foster independence in their children.

Rita, Olivia, and Chapin have been attending these classes with their parents for a while and they are comfortable with each other and the familiar environment.

Rita and Olivia have their own dynamic relationship. Sometimes during class, Olivia would walk to Rita and take an attractive item from Rita’s hands. This is typical behavior for toddlers at about fifteen months. A typical response might involve telling the child, “Olivia, Rita was using the ball. You need to give it back.” or “Olivia, we need to share, we can’t grab whatever we want” At this class the teachers and parents will respond rather than react. A teacher might say, “It looks like Olivia likes that ring too.” She might suggest to Rita, “You can choose to hold on to that ring tightly.” The Teacher’s goal here is not to take sides with either child or rescue one of them. The Teacher might also verbalize to Olivia, “It looks like Rita really likes this ring. She is holding it tightly.” The teacher is stating what she sees and there is no judgement of either child’s behavior. The teacher will only intervene if the situation changes and is no longer safe, “This is Rita’s hair. I don’t want you to pull on her hair. You can touch gently.” The teacher might then model how to caress Olivia’s hair.

In this class, parents use a different approach when they help their children through the conflict. They seem comfortable and confident, but I wonder if the parents were asking themselves: Will this dynamic between the two girls stay the same? When will Rita learn to hold on tightly? When will Olivia choose to give?

Today Rita arrived to class first. She went straight to the three dolls sitting on the mat. Rita picked up the three dolls, gave them kisses, and carried them with her as she climbed up on the climbing structure. She walked down the slide still holding the three girls in her hand. Then, she found a blanket to cover one of the dolls. Chapin and Olivia joined the class. Their moms found a comfortable spot to sit. When the two friends arrived to classroom, Rita put down 2 of the dolls on the floor, while she played with the third doll. Chapin picked up a doll and Rita came straight to him and retrieved the doll. He didn’t protest. Olivia picked up one of the dolls from the floor and carried the doll to the pretend kitchen. Rita walked to Olivia and pulled the doll. The two girls struggled for a while. The doll ended up in Rita’s hand. Olivia landed on her bottom and then banged her head on the floor. Olivia cried and was comforted by her mother. Rita seemed overwhelmed by the situation and began crying too. After a quick recovery the two girls exchanged the possession of the doll several times. At some point Olivia held the doll and Rita made a loud and unhappy sound; she protested. Her mother pointed out that there are two other dolls available on the floor, but Rita had no interest in those two at that moment. Chapin observed the situation with interest. Olivia ran with the doll to the shelf, and placed the doll on top. As soon as Olivia noticed that Rita was moving in that direction, Olivia picked up the doll. Suddenly, Olivia turned around, walked to Rita, and gave her the doll. Rita gave the doll a big hug. Olivia sat on the ground and began placing balls in a tube. I told Olivia, “It was very thoughtful of you to give this doll to Rita. You noticed that Rita really wanted it.”

To me it looked like a very significant moment of discovery, learning, and empathy. It took more than one class for Rita to become assertive and to persist if she wants something. Likewise, it took many classes for Olivia to offer a toy to a crying friend. I was wondering what would happen if we as adults intervened in a more traditional way by protecting Rita and Chapin and making Olivia give up the toy. Would Olivia have learned to give or would she have felt more resentment? Would Rita have felt more safe or would she have felt that she needed an adult to resolve her problem and protect her?

Wishing you all the best in the difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

Are Conflicts Good or Bad?

Have you ever asked yourself if conflicts are good or bad? We see our children get into conflicts. We want to avoid them, but should we? It has always been a debate in my mind. I knew for certain that the interests of two people intersect because they have their own opinions and thoughts, so conflicts happen all the time. Today, I have concluded for myself that conflicts are a necessary part of human life and child development. I have decided that it is a good thing.

Phew! Problem solved, right? Wrong. Turns out that it wasn't easy for me to accept this and put it into action. I was so used to avoiding conflicts that it took a lot of effort to change my thoughts and actions. My new motto is: "Every conflict is a door to new opportunities and ideas."

Do we have to resolve conflicts fairly? What is fair for an adult? What is fair for a child? These questions rushed through my mind one day when I was playing with a group of four-year-old children in the yard.

Casey and Lu were in the sandbox together. Lu said to Teacher Kira, "Casey took my pin!" Casey heard this statement. Teacher Kira got closer to the boys. Casey quickly looked at Lu and climbed up the climbing structure. From the top, Casey threw the pin into the rubber pellets under the swings.

Teacher Kira's heart skipped a beat. She thought to herself, "We won't be able to find this pin anymore. Is Lu going to be very upset? How is it going to affect the boys' relationship?"

Lu said, "I saw where it landed. I will pick it up." Lu picked it up.

Casey climbed down and approached Lu. Lu explained, "See Casey, there are two pieces of this pin that go like this..."

Casey grabbed the small piece of the pin from Lu's hands and quickly placed it into his pocket. Teacher Kira was thinking whether she should set a limit and help Lu gain his pin back or if she should observe more. Then, Lu said, "I wonder if Casey is going to give it back to me." This composed question gave Teacher Kira a clue that she could wait and not intervene yet. Lu made a gentle attempt to gain back his pin by reaching towards Casey's pocket. Casey threw it into the rubber pellets.

Teacher Kira thought to herself, "Oh, this time the pin is lost..." However, Lu found it and picked it up. Lu said, "I wonder where I should keep my pin. Maybe it will be safe in this wooden box." So Lu placed his pin into the wooden box.

Casey changed his mind about getting the pin from Lu. Casey and Lu went to play on the climbing structure. The conflict was resolved without Teacher Kira's intervention.

If the adult were to have taken the pin from Casey and given it to Lu, would Lu have learned how to protect himself? Would he have gained self confidence? Would Casey have learned not to take another persons' belongings? These are questions that we try to keep in mind while we guide our children.

How much should we intervene? Should we avoid pushing our adult perspective on the child? It is always a challenge to decide if and when we should intervene, and how to keep a balance between helping the children safely resolve the conflict and stepping back to allow them to problem solve.

Wishing you all the best in the difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!

Cheers,

Teacher Kira

Photo credit (boy in green): Elena Ivanova